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Over the past couple of weeks I've remained drowsy, dry mouthed and fuzzy headed. I'm still sleeping too much and of course constantly hungry and stuffing my face. I look like an elephant seal waiting on my next fish.One thing I suppose that is positive is that my alcohol intake has decreased. After I take my meds at 10pm I have a couple of drinks and then feel sleepy and fall into zombie mode before bed. Another positive thing is that I've not been as anxious about the approaching holiday as I would normally be. I've also had the odd palpitation and occassional constipation. All of the aforementioned features are due to Quetiapine (Seroquel). How has it affected my mood? Well I haven't got much idea because I don't really have a sense of mood nowadays, invariably I feel flat and...

My period of abstinence lasted 8 days. Once my mouth was about healed, I decided to make us a nice dinner and had a glass of wine or two while cooking. I've had a couple of beers on two occasions since. Each time I've been woken during the night by acid reflux, puking up small amounts of burning fluid. So much for my theory of leucopenia, I've probably just had heartburn.Despite not selling things I bought on my last spree, I have treated myself to a new camera, I really shouldn't have. I'm ashamed to say I am also trying to write a novel... fuck, what a creep, it sounds such a cheesy idea. Hopefully it will be a three day wonder and I will stop being a luvvy and return to being an ordinary Joe.I saw the doctor for my annual physical today, the only thing of note was my continued weight...

Things got back on track after my bad day. Yesterday I went down to the health centre and got bloods taken for Valproate levels, U&Es and cholesterol to pre-empt my review. I know the doc will want these done when I see him later in the month, so this will save me going back for a further review. The weather is glorious here at the moment so later in the day we were sitting outside enjoying our salad in the sun when I suddenly I got a pain in my mouth. Thinking it was a bit of leaf caught somewhere I quickly took a drink of tea... OUCH! I went inside and looked in the mirror only to find my mouth full of blood. I rinsed a few times but still couldn't see anything for blood. When it stopped I found areas of pus and a large area where the skin had sloughed off to reveal a large ulcer. I...

I’m feeling much better. After a couple of days on the chlorpromazine I was much calmer and more focused. Yesterday I even ventured out of the house for the first time in ages. We planned to go for a walk at a local beauty spot but we arrived to find the car park overflowing and cars queuing up to park on the verges. I was unaware it was bank holiday weekend. I definitely didn’t want to be among other people, never mind bustling crowds of them, so my wife drove us to a little known walk where we could saunter in peace. I even took the camera with me and took some pictures… Despite just having had my meds reviewed last week, I have received this letter through the post… I love that caring, personal touch you get with computer generated letters. I can almost hear the PC...

Aren’t comments great! It’s partly what blogging is about, that reward when someone says something nice about you. Like Modo’s recent comment on this page that “I love your site and wonder what you´re doing now. You intrigue me.” Such adulation helps confirm ones’ brilliance. Even better are the negative comments such as the comment by z0tl on the same post “i always knew you were a closet tranny, prolly pre-op too, secretly trying on your wifey's dresses for now”. Great responses like that are why I have never moderated comments. The only comments that sometimes bug me are the one’s giving advice. If you really thought about it you could probably work one thing out… come on… try hard… you can do it… man with chronic mental illness has been seen by lots of...

Ben_ji81 was asking about how I was doing with my drinking and therapy. My drinking is OK just now, about 50 units a week (around 5 bottles of 13% wine over the week). Surely no big shakes you might think but technichally this is categorized as harmful drinking, i.e. increases my risk of liver disease and depression. Clinicians have very negative and subjective views about such behaviour (despite the fact that most of them drink more than this, but they will of course argue that they don't have a significant mental health problem). They take no such subjective view on people who particpate in dangerous sports, no, that is free will, that is choice, that is good, healthy, in fact bravery. An admirable quality, not a weakness, not a disease. Nor do they take a dim view of people who opt...

Things are still going pretty well here on Planet Mo at the moment. I've been staying relatively busy getting out for a walk everyday. I went to Glasgow at the weekend with my sister, also had a nice day on Monday with my wife, playing with my nephew's kids all afternoon. It's hard to say exactly how I am just now as I still find it hard to rate my mood. I'm certainly not hypomanic but at least I seem to be content.The only hassle I am having is my ongoing struggle to escape from AOL. I have phoned, emailed and written a letter of formal complaint. And so far I have had a similar hostile response to Vincent Ferarri. AOL really are bastards, never consider signing up with them!Today I was back at the day centre which again went pretty well apart from folks being upset about one lady who...

I should have gone straight to bed after my last post but I stayed up for "another drink"... or so I thought. I woke up the next day lying in bed fully clothed with a major hangover. I stumbled through to the toilet only to discover to my horror that I had soiled myself at some point during the night... yes... shit my pants. Fuck, this is grossly humiliating, even writing this anonymously I am thoroughly ashamed. Hurrying downstairs, my PC History folder revealed I had stayed up until at least 4:30am and the rubbish bin in the kitchen revealed a discarded 3 litre box of red wine. It was one of those "road to Damascus" moments...My PC revealed pathetic and bitter "poor me" crap posted on my web pages. I searched my outbox and was hugely relieved to discover that I had not sent any...

I have been becoming increasingly stressed out about going on holiday and stayed up all night drinking on Saturday. This is now freaking me out as I now also have to worry about any drunken crap I posted on the internet. Alcohol and the world wide web are a seriously bad combination. But as I said the other day, it is my responsibility for anything I've done and to make amends wherever I can....

I didn't see much of the ex last night which I think is probably for the best.It's been 2 months since her "it's not working" speech.At first I blamed myself for being a net/laptop/poker addicted idiot who had blown a good relationship, yet the more thought I give it ,the more I realise I hadn't been happy either for a long time.Being a lazy git, I'd settled into a kind of comfort zone that wasn't easy to give up,especially as giving it up would mean not seeing Step A and Nacho as often as I'd like.I do regret not working harder to keep the spark going longer, and the quote from Cool Hand Luke "What we have here is a failure to communicate",seems very apt.( and I think we're both to blame for that).I'd never been in a seven year relationship before and I think a big part of me just...

So the tories want a higher taxation on alcohol. Great! The reasoning, of course, is that if alcohol costs more, then they’ll have solved Britain’s alcohol dependency. Hmm, gee, I don’t think so. Who is the taxation supposed to hit? If it’s supposed to hit the binge drinkers (allow me to label people so crassly into “binge drinker” and “non-binge drinker” for one moment), then it’s a lost cause. People enjoy drink. If you really fancy getting wasted on a Wednesday morning/afternoon/evening, then you’ll do it — the cost is not what matters, the alcohol is. With alcohol still available, albeit at higher cost, people will still drink to excess. All that might happen is that purchasing patterns may be affected. They argue that...

My father in law got through his op OK and got home on Friday. Unfortunately he was rushed back into hospital at the weekend but returned home in good form again today. All seems well now.Mrs Mo is much, much better, back to her annoying, controlling, effervescent self again. She saw Dr Portillo this morning and has been declared fit for further abuse by her employers. Later she spoke to her boss and as she has a few days holiday left to take before April, it was agreed she could take them now and return to work next week. So we're going to spend a couple of days at my brother's later this week (a fortnight in the Maldives would probably have been ideal but two days in Glasgow will provide adequate respite for us working class heroes).On the downside... I stayed up once again on Friday...

After my last post, Bryan from Kentucky commented... "I know our cultures our different but even the pirate should be advocating strict abstinence while trying to get you balanced. Sorry if that sounds sour, not trying to hurt your feelings."First of all, no need to be sorry Bryan, it doesn't sound sour at all, it's a perfectly reasonable question. And in answer to your question, I'm pretty sure he would Bryan. He certainly often asks me about my drinking. I'm sure if I read the leaflets included in my medicines they would tell me to avoid alcohol. Unfortunately, like most bipolar folk I have a great fondness for mind altering substances. Around 50% of bipolars have some sort of substance abuse or dependence. For a real life experience visit Mrs P's current struggle.I remember on my first...