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Thanks to DeeDee for telling me about the Professor in the Tower. Unfortunately, as I'm no longer very clever (not that I ever was but nowadays I'm really dumb), I was unable to really get to grips with this abstract but from what I can gather, Professor Blackwood's research has found a genetic abnormality found in both Schizophrenia and Affective Disorders. I think the implication is that they may have the same aetiology.As I said, I don't understand all the science but this is far removed from my GP's interpretation of "bipolar and schizophrenia are basically the same disorder". I have met lots of people with both of these illnesses and in my experience they usually fall into two distinct flavours. I'm a great believer in the old adage "if it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck...

I came across this story on Liz Spikol's page. At first I thought it was a joke but a quick search confirmed the story at the New York Times. Timothy Pinkston is a homeless guy with bipolar disorder who manages his symptoms with drugs and alcohol. He sought treatment at St. Joseph's Hospital psychiatric unit in August where he was subsequently detained. While in an intoxicated state within the unit, he said he wanted to kill the president. Now, how would you expect staff in a psychiatric unit to respond to this type of behaviour... discuss the issue?... distract the guy?... create a calm environment and encourage him to sleep it off?... maybe even sedate him? Err, well no, over at St Joseph's they came up with a different response, they called in the secret service. The next day...

So I went to see Portillo on Monday about my raised valproate levels. He wasn't particularly concerned about it and said he wanted to leave it to "the experts"... I presume by "the experts" he means the new magnificent all powerful psychiatrist "Dr X".I now have a name for Dr X but will postpone deciding on a pseudonym until I have seen her. Yes, it's a she. She has a name that just cries out for clang associations, God I can hardly contain myself. But the clangs would risk revealing her identity so I will wait and see if any of her characteristics jump out at me and prompt a nickname. Oh, I forgot to mention that Dr Portillo has a massive spot of acne on his face at the moment. I had to apologise as I couldn't stop looking at it. Like some drooling perv faced with a large breasted woman,...

I had a bad day yesterday. I suddenly crashed like Icarus from the sun, all my wax melted.I have started trying to recoup some of the money spent on my springtime spending spree by selling stuff on Ebay. My first item went for way less than half of what I anticipated. Fair do's, that's what happens on Ebay, you puts in yer ad and you takes your chance. But I was still upset about it. But to add insult to injury, I got a snotty message from the guy who won it for peanuts, to "make sure it is well packaged!" On top of this I had to go to the Post Office to mail it.The Post Office was a nightmare, there was a huge queue, I had no idea Tuesday was pension day.Anyway, eventually I was nearly there, there were two ladies behind the counter and as I got near the front they were both trying to...

Wow, what a coincidence! No sooner do I mention my ambivalence about my diagnosis and the next day I discover that a bipolar home testing kit has just been launched on the market. Why it's a miracle, thanks be to God! According to Psynomics, the kit is invaluable if you have had problems with depression, mania or irritability and want to know if you have a genetic predisposition to bipolar disorder and whether you should seek treatment. Now let me think... frequent episodes of mania... should I seek treatment?... hey, no way, I am ecstatic, I am in touch with God, why would I want a test... but wait, maybe there are people who have suffered some episodes of irritability, who will be desperate to know if they have a genetic predisposition to bipolar disorder. I think...

Another big sleep last night...Mrs Mo was off today so we had a long lie and then after getting up she actually persuaded me to consider going out in the afternoon... fek... leaving my sanctuary and crossing the threshold...EEEeeeeeek!Anyway, later, she drove us out into the country and we walked across a field then along the river for a wee while. But despite some glimpses of sunshine, there was a bitterly cold arctic wind blowing flurries of snow in our faces, so quickly we made our way back home. Still, it was nice to get out of the house for half an hour (although it was even nicer to get back home).Once snuggled back in our crib (wow.. crib.. how cool is that for a middle aged grumpy.. ha ha) the missus sat in front of the TV laughing at the loveable Carol McGiffin on Loose Women...

Carrying on from Thursday's rant...So what is Bipolar Disorder? The Royal College of Psychiatrists have produced a helpful leaflet but like with any illness, many people look at a list of signs and gasp.. "oh I've got that!". This leaflet is no different and under "Depression" you'll find familiar things like; loss of interest, feeling tired, loss of confidence... hmmm... sounds like every Monday morning.Under "Mania", the list includes feeling very happy, very active, making odd decisions on the spur of the moment... isn't this every Saturday night for the under 25s?The SIGN Guideline is perhaps more descriptive, including the ICD 10 and DSM IV definitions. SIGN 82 also outlines standards for treatment, issues in pregnancy and me old pal substance abuse.However, it may be much more...

When posting my last pile of crap, I forgot that I could include John Breeding’s video on the page. So for anyone who wants a look here it is… John is openly sceptical about bipolar disorder and highlights the recent trend towards medicalising normal behaviours in children, such as them being “devastated” at not getting an ice cream and being “elated” at being tickled. With regard to labels, he reminds us that no one wants a mental illness like schizophrenia and suggests that it is a diagnosis primarily “reserved for the lower classes”. Bipolar Disorder however, he suggests is now a very trendy diagnosis and is commonly associated with important people such as Abe Lincoln. I initially found myself much in agreement with John until it became apparent that he was not just...

Today I pass another milestone on the drudge towards death…. well I guess that’s how I’d put it at other times but fortunately my upbeat mood continues and the outlook at the moment seems quite rosey. Yes, I’m 48 today (probably in stones as well as years, thank you depakote). I’m still busy producing music, here’s one of my recent songs, it’s a kinda bipolar blues…. Once again I’ve launched myself on Bebo and MySpace in the hope of finding a musical niche for myself…. so far there has been only one response. But just in case there us a sudden demand for my musical talents I have prepared for performance and bought a kickass valve amp that will blow your head off at 40 paces. Apart from making music and wandering through cyberspace, I’m basically...

Things continue to go well. We spent a couple of days in York earlier this month. The weather was beautiful (if a bit chilly) and we spent the time just sauntering around and eating and drinking.Back at home I finished recording and mixing my album and the CDs have now been pressed, I'm really pleased with it and if I get time will post an mp3 on here but I'm already starting the next one. I've got some new software and also rewired my wee studio to make things easier for me. I also bought a semi acoustic guitar to add to the growing collection.On the downside I've had a couple of near misses when driving recently so am avoiding get behind the wheel for the time being. Also had a bit difficulty sleeping occasionally and on the odd night have taken Largactil (Chlorpromazine/Thorazine) in...

Well it’s nearly here… just 3 more sleeps. In fact, 2 more sleeps and it will be the night that Santa comes. He’d better be careful sneaking about at night in 21st century Britain where everyone is now viewed as a potential terrorist.I don't need to worry about buying presents for lots of people as one of the good things about coming from a completely dysfunctional family is that it explodes pretty quickly. By the time I was about ten years old, all my aunts, uncles and cousins had been cursed and erased from the family tree. Photographs torn up and binned, names never to be mentioned again. Eventually even close relatives would also become casualties on the bipolar battlefield. Despite coming from a large Catholic family and having God only knows how many relatives (he may know but...

When the wife was out at the weekend I browsed the internet for online forums and chat rooms for people with bipolar disorder. Although there seemed to be quite a few resources for unipolar and personality disorders, bipolar sites were scarce and most I found were abandoned. I did find this site which has chatrooms with 15-20 people online at a time. I bounced in on Saturday night for some merry banter with like minds but was immediately interrogated.. What is your diagnosis? What medicines are you on? Direct and straight to the point if nothing else! Once big brother had accepted the validity of my papers, I asked the nature of the room and was everything open to discussion. "No, everything is NOT open for discussion this is purely for serious support!". I promptly left with my tail...

There are, as you know, 365 days in each year. For me, about 300 of these days are for feeling miserable and spent mostly in bed. About 50 days are for happier times spent dancing and singing and hiding from psychiatrists. But there are 12 days each year that are different, the twelve days of Christmas. The Twelve days of bipolar ChristmasOn the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me...12 hundred milligrams of Lithium to stop me leaping11 days in a locked ward weeping10 milligrams of Olanzapine to keep me sleeping9 psychiatrists shrinking8 CPNs thinking7 Drug and alcohol advisors to stop me drinking6 social workers stinking5 milligrams of Diazepam4 sessions of CBT3 support groups2 oedematous legsAnd a long course of ECT...

Ode To The PirateI am anti-psychiatristI am not anti-psychiatryNor am I the antichristNo, I am just anti-psychiatristIn particular I am anti-my-psychiatrist“My psychiatrist”?No, he is not “mine” but I am “his”He sets the scene carefully, “no couch or leather chair?”“No, ha ha, we’re all equals here”With his plastic smile and patronising airHe faces me square with his inquisitive stareUgly and smugly he pretends that he caresWe run through the same old game of hide and seekI sit there mute, he wants me to shriekMy family doctor says I’m too defiantI’m difficult and non compliantBut this charade does nothing for meIt serves the needs of my familyAnd the shrink compelled by his fixationOn my downs and my elationsIs hell-bent on my humiliationAnd so we have these...

I should have gone straight to bed after my last post but I stayed up for "another drink"... or so I thought. I woke up the next day lying in bed fully clothed with a major hangover. I stumbled through to the toilet only to discover to my horror that I had soiled myself at some point during the night... yes... shit my pants. Fuck, this is grossly humiliating, even writing this anonymously I am thoroughly ashamed. Hurrying downstairs, my PC History folder revealed I had stayed up until at least 4:30am and the rubbish bin in the kitchen revealed a discarded 3 litre box of red wine. It was one of those "road to Damascus" moments...My PC revealed pathetic and bitter "poor me" crap posted on my web pages. I searched my outbox and was hugely relieved to discover that I had not sent any...

My little “rush” continued and I felt a big wave of positivity over the past week. I bashed on with my new website but unfortunately stayed up and got absolutely wasted on Saturday night. I spent all night drinking a box of red wine and wrote a lot of bitter, selfish crap about my life and the huge chip which resides on my shoulder. Fortunately, I dashed out of bed, hungover on Sunday morning and wiped it all. I have since tried to write something hopefully more objective. I started work on a new track in the studio and I tried to visit some old friends (most of whom weren’t in) but managed to catch up with a couple and have some positive chat and reminiscences which was nice. All was going well with my little rebound high… well at least, until I fell back into the clutches of...

I've felt much better since getting back home from Spain. It's nice to be back in the house and away from people. It's strange how much I've changed over the past 3 years, from being grossly extroverted and gregarious, to now living like a hermit and feeling really uncomfortable in the presence of others.Anyway, over the past couple of days I've become much less stressed, not taking diazepam and have actually been pretty busy. I've just discovered Google Page Creator which offers 100Mb free webspace and an intuitive WYSIWYG web site creator. You can also use your allocated 100Mb to store JPEGs, MP3s etc. It's absolutely brilliant and is totally free with no downside, no ads or any other shit thrown in. I highly recommend it. I've started building a website to compliment this blog with...

I was fascinated to read the comments left in response to my last entry by "thirteen" (hey, thanks for taking the time to write). Although obviously a dreadful experience for her, it was great to hear such a candid and concise account of someone affected by another persons' bipolar crap. "Thirteen" shows remarkable insight describing how when manic, some people will "love anything with a bloody...

I got a letter today addressed to Joe Nutter... well, not really "Joe Nutter" but that name will do for now. I used to work as a psychiatric nurse and when I first went mad and was referred to our local shrink my true identity was concealed. Unfortunately I didn't have to wear a mask or anything like Batman or The Lone Ranger which would have been fun. No, they just gave me a pseudonym. I...

“What a difference a day makesTwenty-four little hours”(Grever/Adams)I’ve now managed to put things in perspective about my grand public debut. I know from my stats that I only have about half a dozen regulars, most of whom are in the USA. Hardly the same circulation as The News Of The World. Why on earth would people be interested in my vaccuous little world, never mind try and keep up with it?I'm still awake most of the time, busy circulating my blues music and have also started work on a project guitar. I've stripped down an old Chinese Affinity strat and am going to build it into a classic American Beauty.A “For Sale” sign has gone up in next door’s garden, Whackerman is leaving. Worse than that, he is taking the dog with him. That dog has seen me through some very...

I literally feel my brain is physically different these days. It often feels like my occipital lobes have been completely removed. Sometimes my frontal lobes feel a bit too dense but generally the feeling I get is that the back of my head has been blown clean off. My memory is grossly impaired, there is no doubt about it. Mrs Mo confirms my short term memory, and surprisingly, some of my long term memory has gone as well. The most profound element of my memory loss is my nominal dysphasia. I cannot recall names. If I see someone I know, I have to run through the alphabet (A, B, C, D, E, F…. F…F… Fiona, that’s it!) to recall a familiar person’s name. The system works well but without it I’m stumped. I know from online quizzes that even when I do know an answer, my response time...

Being bipolar is becoming increasingly trendy these days (which can only be a good thing for boring old farts for me). It seems to have become the “in thing” among celebrities and wannabes. But most folks have very little understanding of mania and depression. Bipolar information sources often don’t help much, often describing depression as sadness and mania as feeling good. Naturally most people think “well I go through periods like that, that’s what I’ve got”. What is rarely mentioned is that these range of moods are way outside that of normal human experience. Lots of people can describe periods of being “hyperactive and buzzing around feeling great” but that is far removed from even hypomania. The only way an unaffected person can get close to the manic experience...

Let the good times roll!All is well in the land of Mo at the moment.Mrs Mo is much improved, back at work and happy. She is out with her mates tonight at a charity gig. So I am spending the night at home with Lucinda Williams and a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon. Outside there is a total lunar eclipse and the moon is pink! It is the most amazing sight. Ironically the beautiful colour is all down to the pollutents in the atmosphere. I saw the last one 7 years ago at 4am! Not because I was keen but because I was working on night shift at the time! It was much more spectacular, blood red/claret, maybe there was more/less pollution then? I tried to take a picture of it earlier on with my crappy little camera perched on a chair and propped up and angled with a TV remote control. Despite the poor...

After my last post, Bryan from Kentucky commented... "I know our cultures our different but even the pirate should be advocating strict abstinence while trying to get you balanced. Sorry if that sounds sour, not trying to hurt your feelings."First of all, no need to be sorry Bryan, it doesn't sound sour at all, it's a perfectly reasonable question. And in answer to your question, I'm pretty sure he would Bryan. He certainly often asks me about my drinking. I'm sure if I read the leaflets included in my medicines they would tell me to avoid alcohol. Unfortunately, like most bipolar folk I have a great fondness for mind altering substances. Around 50% of bipolars have some sort of substance abuse or dependence. For a real life experience visit Mrs P's current struggle.I remember on my first...

I think I’ve plateaued at best but more likely slipping back down. I’ve done little the past couple of days but browse other blogs and leave negative comments, either taking the piss or disagreeing. All negative and nothing positive or creative.Today I just lay in bed. Mrs Mo came home at lunch time and discovered there was a letter for me. It was from the NMC asking me to renew my nurse registration. It basically said, send us £43 and we’ll allow you to have full access to some of the most vulnerable people in society. So after the Mrs went back to work I got up. I’ve searched their website for guidelines on fitness to practice but only found how to report someone you’re concerned about, nothing about the mental health of the practitioner. Would I ever want to go back to...

The phone rang yesterday afternoon. I don’t usually answer the phone anymore. Not that I mind the “you have won a holiday in Las Vegas” calls, or the “save money by combining your gas and electricity bills” calls, or even the “can we arrange for a financial advisor to visit you?” calls. No, those sort of calls allow me to have a huge catharsis, involving loud shouting of multiple expletives and are of great benefit to me. No, the calls I dread are from real people, friends and relatives, who phone to ask how I am. I used to talk for ages, usually dominating the conversation but now I dry up after a couple of sentences. And because I used to be such a chatterbox, I assume people will take offence when I don’t speak much. So the least stressful thing is to not answer the...

I had a long lie in bed this morning. I wasn't particularly down, just having one of those off days that even normal folks have. Fortunately the difference between normal folks and me is that I don't have to go to work on these days. There are some real benefits to being crazy. Anyway, Mrs Mo came home at lunchtime and noted it was very convenient for me to be having an off day... on a Thursday! Shit... I forgot. Our local paper comes out on a Thursday and I had agreed with the psychiatrist that on Thursdays I would go into town and buy a paper. Hmmm.... So I dragged myself out of bed and got dressed (that's another benefit of being mad, you can get away without showering occassionaly). So after lunch I hooked up my wee MP3 player... oh that's another thing I forgot to tell you. I have...