Scottish Blogs.com

On Sunday we did lunch with the internet people… *cue scary theme music*....”DA DA DA!!!”.My fears of meeting a group of psychos were unfounded, they were two lovely, normal couples who chatted away fine and it all went well. It was only afterwards I realised the irony of it. It never occurred to me for one second that I was the psycho that they were coming to meet and I had a bloody cheek thinking that they might be the nutters. Isn’t that weird?My level of insight into my illness/personality is very hard to explain. Certainly at the moment I consider myself completely normal, albeit with one or two minor issues that need resolved. But were I reviewing someone else with all my history and behaviours I might think differently, well I know I would. I just can’t accept or come to...

Still awaiting the promised phonecall from the CMHT. I won't hold my breath. What a bunch of complete tossers.I saw Portillo yesterday. He was cool and laconic.In his laid back mood he didn't bother me much about the shrinks. I had a rant about my crap treatment and he tried once again to defend his colleagues (as doctors invariably do) and justify why people get lost in the system. I can accept that happens now and again but it happens repeatedly with me. He talked about pressure on services but I emphasised that that wasn't my problem and it certainly didn't excuse them from treating me like shite.He asked about the palpitations, checked my blood pressure and said if they persisted I was to get back to him so he could arrange for me to go on the treadmill for an excercise tolerance...

I've had some more palpitations, no big deal, I used to get them with chlorpromazine. But my wife phoned the doc who arranged for me to have an ECG which was normal. She also had a chat with him letting him know I was pissed off about Friday's session with the pirate and all the shenanigans about the new shrink... or to put it more correctly the lack of the new shrink. Portillo was surprised about this as he already spoken with the pirate who told him the meeting had gone very well. Eh? What the fuck are they playing at? This is total crap. Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get me. I don't believe there would be any of this carry on if I was a normal person with a medical problem who asked for a second opinion from another physician.I've been hard to live with this...

My wife and I both had appointments to see Portillo this morning. Hers was an hour before me, to review her Citalopram. While she was chatting to the doc there was a knock on the door and much to her surprise.... in walked the pirate!!!!The three of them then had a mini case conference about me. My wife and Portillo outlined how I had been over the past ten months and the pirate outlined his plan to start me on Quetiapine. The Quetiapine will start today in incremented doses with a view to stopping the Depakote which has not been effective in stabilising my mood. The pirate will be sending me an appointment to see him and Dr X next Friday. My missus explained all this to me when she got home. How quaint and olde worlde... not involving the patient in the care planning process.So an hour...

My wife has made me an appointment to see Dr Portillo tomorrow to find out what is happening. I've now been waiting six weeks to see the shrink. He assured me I'd be seen within four weeks. I have no doubt he will fuck me about and spin things around and tell me it is my fault. When I asked him why the pirate had not seen me since last September he brushed it off saying it was very easy for people to slip through the net. No hint of an apology, no acceptance of blame or responsibility. Imagine how things would be if the roles were reversed and I failed to attend appointments, I'd be confronted about my non-compliance and threatened with withdrawal of services.I'll find out tomorrow how he...

I'm still waiting.On the 19th of June, Dr Portillo assured me the new shrink would see me within 4 weeks. He asked me to make a follow up appointment with him in a month to ensure I had been seen, I didn't. Once again I'm feeling like the doctors are screwing me about. It's now over 5 weeks and no appointment. I know the government have targets for medical consultations, do these targets not apply to loonies? I'm now swithering about phoning up and telling them to fuck off.Mrs Mo has been on holiday for the week but we didn't want to go away in case an appointment arrived. If I'm perfectly honest, I wouldn't want to go away for a week anyway. We did manage a night away in Perth. Now that my wife's ankle is healing we managed a bit of walking and I took some pictures.I'd like to write...

So I went to see Portillo on Monday about my raised valproate levels. He wasn't particularly concerned about it and said he wanted to leave it to "the experts"... I presume by "the experts" he means the new magnificent all powerful psychiatrist "Dr X".I now have a name for Dr X but will postpone deciding on a pseudonym until I have seen her. Yes, it's a she. She has a name that just cries out for clang associations, God I can hardly contain myself. But the clangs would risk revealing her identity so I will wait and see if any of her characteristics jump out at me and prompt a nickname. Oh, I forgot to mention that Dr Portillo has a massive spot of acne on his face at the moment. I had to apologise as I couldn't stop looking at it. Like some drooling perv faced with a large breasted woman,...

On Thursday night Mrs Mo was was more down than usual. After some vodka lubricated discussion we spontaneously decided to get away for a couple of days. I hate being away from home but to my wife it is like a breath of fresh air, so we logged onto Late Rooms and found a cheap offer on a hotel in Perth. The hotel had a pool so that would keep the wife happy regardless of the weather and her limited mobility. We left on Friday morning and headed up to Dunkeld and the visitor centre at the Loch of the Lowes. We were lucky with the weather it was a lovely day over the loch...Through the binoculars we managed to get good views of the Ospreys which nest at the loch. I even managed to capture a picture...Inside the visitor centre the webcam allowed us to see the chick in the nest. There was also...

I was back at the doctors today with my urine sample. He'd asked me to return in a month with it to make sure my obesity wasn't making me diabetic. I'm pretty sure it was just a ploy to get me to return. Anyway, he asked how I'd been since the increase in my valproate and I explained I had been less animated and certainly no better. He decided to check my valproate levels again to make sure I wasn't toxic (afterwards I remembered he didn't ask when I last took my meds, previously the lab has refused to analyse them without time of last dose, oh well). A lengthy course of acupuncture took place as he attempted to access a vein. Fortunately he did eventually managed to get a couple of mls before we ran out of sites on my arms. I don't know if it's illness or old age but I don't mind...

My period of abstinence lasted 8 days. Once my mouth was about healed, I decided to make us a nice dinner and had a glass of wine or two while cooking. I've had a couple of beers on two occasions since. Each time I've been woken during the night by acid reflux, puking up small amounts of burning fluid. So much for my theory of leucopenia, I've probably just had heartburn.Despite not selling things I bought on my last spree, I have treated myself to a new camera, I really shouldn't have. I'm ashamed to say I am also trying to write a novel... fuck, what a creep, it sounds such a cheesy idea. Hopefully it will be a three day wonder and I will stop being a luvvy and return to being an ordinary Joe.I saw the doctor for my annual physical today, the only thing of note was my continued weight...

Things got back on track after my bad day. Yesterday I went down to the health centre and got bloods taken for Valproate levels, U&Es and cholesterol to pre-empt my review. I know the doc will want these done when I see him later in the month, so this will save me going back for a further review. The weather is glorious here at the moment so later in the day we were sitting outside enjoying our salad in the sun when I suddenly I got a pain in my mouth. Thinking it was a bit of leaf caught somewhere I quickly took a drink of tea... OUCH! I went inside and looked in the mirror only to find my mouth full of blood. I rinsed a few times but still couldn't see anything for blood. When it stopped I found areas of pus and a large area where the skin had sloughed off to reveal a large ulcer. I...

I’m feeling much better. After a couple of days on the chlorpromazine I was much calmer and more focused. Yesterday I even ventured out of the house for the first time in ages. We planned to go for a walk at a local beauty spot but we arrived to find the car park overflowing and cars queuing up to park on the verges. I was unaware it was bank holiday weekend. I definitely didn’t want to be among other people, never mind bustling crowds of them, so my wife drove us to a little known walk where we could saunter in peace. I even took the camera with me and took some pictures… Despite just having had my meds reviewed last week, I have received this letter through the post… I love that caring, personal touch you get with computer generated letters. I can almost hear the PC...

After the last post I became less active, spending more time lying in bed but not sleeping well. Despite this physical inactivity, I was increasingly anxious and agitated, profoundly irritable and intolerant of my poor wife's help and support. I can be an utter bastard. I refused to see a doctor but she phoned the GP anyway. I'm now back on...

It's after 2am. I'm up for a cup of tea, I can't sleep. We've had a bad couple of weeks. My nephew's little girl fell and sustained a serious head injury but fortunately she's now on the mend. I've also been miserable with the cold. Now that these real world problems have resolved my thoughts are returning to wallow in the usual trash that floats around inside my mind.Despite not having seen the shrink for over six months now my thoughts remain fixated on the doctors and I am constantly going over clinical scenarios in my mind, preparing for the inevitable clash with the charlatans, dreading the mindless interrogations. I'm also constantly watching the news, unusually concerned about everything in current affairs from Mugabe to mortgages.I don't have any medication I can take now as my...

I've been troubled by a recurring dream. Well, I think I have. How can I know if it really has been recurring? I may have simply dreamt that I have dreamt it several times before. How can I know? I wonder if I've told my wife about it, I must ask her when she gets home. Anyway, a couple of years ago I was seen by an independent doctor from the national pensions agency and was given ill health retirement. In the dream however, I have continued to work at local level and forgot to inform people about my pension. I suddenly realise that I have defrauded both my employer and the pensions agency and am due them vast sums of money as well as lots of unpaid income tax and insurance.I have been unable to get this scenario out of my mind today. I've even been out for a walk to try and distract...

My wife and I met with my psychiatrist today and all he did was infuriate me. No change there then. There is no therapy or treatment. He justs asks questions and I tell him stuff about myself which he immediately forgets and that's it, end of story. Isn't care in the community fantastic. "How are you, how have things been for you since we last met?".... "OK. Much the same". "Has anything...