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On Sunday we did lunch with the internet people… *cue scary theme music*....”DA DA DA!!!”.My fears of meeting a group of psychos were unfounded, they were two lovely, normal couples who chatted away fine and it all went well. It was only afterwards I realised the irony of it. It never occurred to me for one second that I was the psycho that they were coming to meet and I had a bloody cheek thinking that they might be the nutters. Isn’t that weird?My level of insight into my illness/personality is very hard to explain. Certainly at the moment I consider myself completely normal, albeit with one or two minor issues that need resolved. But were I reviewing someone else with all my history and behaviours I might think differently, well I know I would. I just can’t accept or come to...

Appalled by my accelerating weight gain and stinking, sweaty body odour I decided it was time to take the bull by the horns and arrange to see the lifestyle advisor. I doubt there'll be any magical treatment but maybe I'll get inspired to do the obvious.I have to get referred by my GP so on Thursday I went to see Portillo. He asked what I'd been up to and when I told him about the holiday to Spain and then playing at a gig for three hours he was pretty well gobsmacked. In fact he looked totally incredulous.We chatted for a while and he checked out my blood pressure which was fine and the oedema on my legs which was not. He says he has never seen anyone get oedema like this from antipsychotics. I presume it'll go when I stop my quetapine. Anyway, hopefully it won't be long before I start...

Well I did it. I ventured out of the house and cowardly went where most men have gone before. I went to the blues night. My mate wasn't there when I got there, so I walked into the room, looked around at all the faces looking at me and felt completely gormless... PANIC!!!It was time for fight or flight. I don't know how it happened but I switched onto autopilot to my old crap patter, introducing myself to everyone and making wisecracks (or unwise cracks) to all and sundry. By the time my pal arrived I was all set up and ready to play. By this time I was buzzing, all wound up and pacing around the floor as if I was on whizz, desperate to get a move on.We had rehearsed 5 songs and I wanted to get them done and out of the way. I was standing behind the mike, centre stage, clutching my...

I met with Moonstone yesterday... She thought I looked better. We looked over my mood charts and activity charts. I've been more active since discovering I was over 18 stones. Also, the mere fact that I have to chart it, encourages me to do things. My mood remains constant, permanently entrenched in "mild depression without significant impairment". This is partly because I have no sensation of mood but simply assess myself by my behaviour. I guess mild activity equals mild mood so that's what I write. We spoke about the holiday, I had found it easier to engage with people in Majorca because they were complete strangers and had no preconceptions about me. Living in a small town everyone knows me and expects me to be exuberant, loud, friendly and overenthusiastic. Anything less will be...

Well we headed off to Majorca last weekend and all my fears about our online booking were unfounded. My little A4 printout was accepted at the airport, the transfer point and the hotel. It all went incredibly smoothly.Cala D'Or was incredibly quiet compared to the last time we went in the midsummer. The tavernas were empty and the shops were starting to close down for the winter. We were lucky with the weather, they had storms in Palma but on the east side of the island we had sun every day with just the odd cloud passing over.We returned to Scotland on Saturday night to find things much colder here with a touch of ground frost in the early morning. While we were away, the swallows flew south, the salmon returned to spawn and the chestnuts fell from the trees. However, much more...

ZZzzzzz..... I've turned back into a zombie and spent the week sleeping and dossing around. God bless quetiapine.We're off to Spain in the morning, hopefully the heat will render me unconscious and free from anxiety for the week. I have a...

Over the past couple of weeks I've remained drowsy, dry mouthed and fuzzy headed. I'm still sleeping too much and of course constantly hungry and stuffing my face. I look like an elephant seal waiting on my next fish.One thing I suppose that is positive is that my alcohol intake has decreased. After I take my meds at 10pm I have a couple of drinks and then feel sleepy and fall into zombie mode before bed. Another positive thing is that I've not been as anxious about the approaching holiday as I would normally be. I've also had the odd palpitation and occassional constipation. All of the aforementioned features are due to Quetiapine (Seroquel). How has it affected my mood? Well I haven't got much idea because I don't really have a sense of mood nowadays, invariably I feel flat and...

Still awaiting the promised phonecall from the CMHT. I won't hold my breath. What a bunch of complete tossers.I saw Portillo yesterday. He was cool and laconic.In his laid back mood he didn't bother me much about the shrinks. I had a rant about my crap treatment and he tried once again to defend his colleagues (as doctors invariably do) and justify why people get lost in the system. I can accept that happens now and again but it happens repeatedly with me. He talked about pressure on services but I emphasised that that wasn't my problem and it certainly didn't excuse them from treating me like shite.He asked about the palpitations, checked my blood pressure and said if they persisted I was to get back to him so he could arrange for me to go on the treadmill for an excercise tolerance...

I've had some more palpitations, no big deal, I used to get them with chlorpromazine. But my wife phoned the doc who arranged for me to have an ECG which was normal. She also had a chat with him letting him know I was pissed off about Friday's session with the pirate and all the shenanigans about the new shrink... or to put it more correctly the lack of the new shrink. Portillo was surprised about this as he already spoken with the pirate who told him the meeting had gone very well. Eh? What the fuck are they playing at? This is total crap. Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get me. I don't believe there would be any of this carry on if I was a normal person with a medical problem who asked for a second opinion from another physician.I've been hard to live with this...

All week I had been nervously anticipating my appointment with the new shrink and today was the the day. It took me longer than usual to walk the 2 miles to the surgery as I had to stop briefly due to sweating and palpitations.A couple of puffs of GTN and I was back rushing on my way. I arrived just in time for my 11:30. I don't know why I bothered, doctors are never on time and as per usual I had loads of time to count the carpet tiles and inspect the plants. Despite their lack of people skills, you have to hand it to the staff in health centres, they sure know how to look after plants.Eventually the pirate glides into view and stands grinning over me. We exchange greetings and I am led into the black pig. He asks if I mind a medical colleague sitting in with us, I have no problems with...

My wife and I both had appointments to see Portillo this morning. Hers was an hour before me, to review her Citalopram. While she was chatting to the doc there was a knock on the door and much to her surprise.... in walked the pirate!!!!The three of them then had a mini case conference about me. My wife and Portillo outlined how I had been over the past ten months and the pirate outlined his plan to start me on Quetiapine. The Quetiapine will start today in incremented doses with a view to stopping the Depakote which has not been effective in stabilising my mood. The pirate will be sending me an appointment to see him and Dr X next Friday. My missus explained all this to me when she got home. How quaint and olde worlde... not involving the patient in the care planning process.So an hour...

My wife and I met with my psychiatrist today and all he did was infuriate me. No change there then. There is no therapy or treatment. He justs asks questions and I tell him stuff about myself which he immediately forgets and that's it, end of story. Isn't care in the community fantastic. "How are you, how have things been for you since we last met?".... "OK. Much the same". "Has anything...