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My wife picked up my prescription yesterday. I wasn't sure if I'd get 7 or 14 temazepam tablets... well it must be fekn Christmas cos I got 28 of them!!! Yabadabadoo! God bless old Portillo, the man is a saint. Although I have hardly had a drink since I got the cold a few weeks ago, last night I indulged myself in an orgy of wine and temazepam and subsequently slept for 7 hours. Sheer bliss. I feel so much better after having a good night's sleep. Fuck fluoride in the water, benzodiazepines for the masses I say!Yesterday I went to Edinburgh and bought myself a new guitar. I know, I know... ICD F30.0... "mild overspending"... well fuck hypomania, I'm having a good time and for the first time in ages I'm going to enjoy myself and make the most of it. To hell with the consequences. This is...

On Sunday we did lunch with the internet people… *cue scary theme music*....”DA DA DA!!!”.My fears of meeting a group of psychos were unfounded, they were two lovely, normal couples who chatted away fine and it all went well. It was only afterwards I realised the irony of it. It never occurred to me for one second that I was the psycho that they were coming to meet and I had a bloody cheek thinking that they might be the nutters. Isn’t that weird?My level of insight into my illness/personality is very hard to explain. Certainly at the moment I consider myself completely normal, albeit with one or two minor issues that need resolved. But were I reviewing someone else with all my history and behaviours I might think differently, well I know I would. I just can’t accept or come to...

I was feeling pretty good when I went to meet Moonstone yesterday. I didn't get wound up while waiting at the health centre like I usually do. I feigned anger and scolded her for being late.She asked if it was OK for a medical student to sit in. I said that was fine. They always sit completely still and mute so you quickly forget they are there. I find it a bit odd as when I was a student nurse I would take every opportunity to talk with patients and try and get some insight into their lives. I found I could always remember a particular patient with a specific condition far more easily than a lecture on that illness. Anyway, although he didn't say a word, this dude was quite a contrast to Moonstone. She was in her usual "tribute to The Mamas and The Papas uniform"...whereas the silent...

Well after Monday's long lie I was determined to get to Edinburgh so had an early night. I woke spontaneously around 6:30am yesterday which is a real record for me of late. I was out of the house by half seven and off on my merry way to the bus stop.My biggest fear was how to use my bus pass. Do I just flash it as I board or what? They give you one but don't tell you how to use it. Anyway I stepped up onto the bus, flashed my card and went to get a seat. I was immediately called back by a grumpy driver who told me I had to put it on a scanner and then state my destination. I did this then walked on "Hey! Ticket!" yelled the grouch.I went back and the old git gave me a ticket. Fine, that's that sorted. After two 2 hours cramped up in a seat designed for a five year old midget I was in...

Well I did it. I ventured out of the house and cowardly went where most men have gone before. I went to the blues night. My mate wasn't there when I got there, so I walked into the room, looked around at all the faces looking at me and felt completely gormless... PANIC!!!It was time for fight or flight. I don't know how it happened but I switched onto autopilot to my old crap patter, introducing myself to everyone and making wisecracks (or unwise cracks) to all and sundry. By the time my pal arrived I was all set up and ready to play. By this time I was buzzing, all wound up and pacing around the floor as if I was on whizz, desperate to get a move on.We had rehearsed 5 songs and I wanted to get them done and out of the way. I was standing behind the mike, centre stage, clutching my...

I met with Moonstone yesterday... She thought I looked better. We looked over my mood charts and activity charts. I've been more active since discovering I was over 18 stones. Also, the mere fact that I have to chart it, encourages me to do things. My mood remains constant, permanently entrenched in "mild depression without significant impairment". This is partly because I have no sensation of mood but simply assess myself by my behaviour. I guess mild activity equals mild mood so that's what I write. We spoke about the holiday, I had found it easier to engage with people in Majorca because they were complete strangers and had no preconceptions about me. Living in a small town everyone knows me and expects me to be exuberant, loud, friendly and overenthusiastic. Anything less will be...

My MSP wrote back within a couple of days. Just some copied and pasted information I already knew but unlike the "Expect More" people at SAMH, at least she took the time to write.I'm now sleeping around 12 hours each night and am a bit more alert during the day. Despite this I am still pretty much inactive, apart from finalising my new CD, my activity chart is filled in with "did nothing" or "made the tea". Only a week now till we go on holiday, I'll really have to try hard and get my arse into...

Over the past couple of weeks I've remained drowsy, dry mouthed and fuzzy headed. I'm still sleeping too much and of course constantly hungry and stuffing my face. I look like an elephant seal waiting on my next fish.One thing I suppose that is positive is that my alcohol intake has decreased. After I take my meds at 10pm I have a couple of drinks and then feel sleepy and fall into zombie mode before bed. Another positive thing is that I've not been as anxious about the approaching holiday as I would normally be. I've also had the odd palpitation and occassional constipation. All of the aforementioned features are due to Quetiapine (Seroquel). How has it affected my mood? Well I haven't got much idea because I don't really have a sense of mood nowadays, invariably I feel flat and...

Now sleeping about 14 hours a day. Just eating and...

I went to bed on Friday afternoon and have spent much of the time since sleeping. I was really taken aback at the pirate fucking me about again and still a bit shell shocked by his kick in the arse farewell. We had a family get together on Saturday night which I managed to attend and play the clown at. Other than that I've felt very distant and detached. My brain feels toxic and a bit bewildered.Well today was D-Day... the day I got to meet Dr X, my new shrink. My wife is on holiday this week so she came along with me. We arrived at the health centre just in time to meet an elderly, breathless man cursing and wheezing as he shuffled out, telling us in gasps how he had waited for 45 minutes and could wait no longer. I heard him give a similar spiel to the cold, robotic receptionists. They...

Still awaiting the promised phonecall from the CMHT. I won't hold my breath. What a bunch of complete tossers.I saw Portillo yesterday. He was cool and laconic.In his laid back mood he didn't bother me much about the shrinks. I had a rant about my crap treatment and he tried once again to defend his colleagues (as doctors invariably do) and justify why people get lost in the system. I can accept that happens now and again but it happens repeatedly with me. He talked about pressure on services but I emphasised that that wasn't my problem and it certainly didn't excuse them from treating me like shite.He asked about the palpitations, checked my blood pressure and said if they persisted I was to get back to him so he could arrange for me to go on the treadmill for an excercise tolerance...

Been in bed for a week, kinda lethargic, dazed and...

Things got back on track after my bad day. Yesterday I went down to the health centre and got bloods taken for Valproate levels, U&Es and cholesterol to pre-empt my review. I know the doc will want these done when I see him later in the month, so this will save me going back for a further review. The weather is glorious here at the moment so later in the day we were sitting outside enjoying our salad in the sun when I suddenly I got a pain in my mouth. Thinking it was a bit of leaf caught somewhere I quickly took a drink of tea... OUCH! I went inside and looked in the mirror only to find my mouth full of blood. I rinsed a few times but still couldn't see anything for blood. When it stopped I found areas of pus and a large area where the skin had sloughed off to reveal a large ulcer. I...

It's after 2am. I'm up for a cup of tea, I can't sleep. We've had a bad couple of weeks. My nephew's little girl fell and sustained a serious head injury but fortunately she's now on the mend. I've also been miserable with the cold. Now that these real world problems have resolved my thoughts are returning to wallow in the usual trash that floats around inside my mind.Despite not having seen the shrink for over six months now my thoughts remain fixated on the doctors and I am constantly going over clinical scenarios in my mind, preparing for the inevitable clash with the charlatans, dreading the mindless interrogations. I'm also constantly watching the news, unusually concerned about everything in current affairs from Mugabe to mortgages.I don't have any medication I can take now as my...

Another big sleep last night...Mrs Mo was off today so we had a long lie and then after getting up she actually persuaded me to consider going out in the afternoon... fek... leaving my sanctuary and crossing the threshold...EEEeeeeeek!Anyway, later, she drove us out into the country and we walked across a field then along the river for a wee while. But despite some glimpses of sunshine, there was a bitterly cold arctic wind blowing flurries of snow in our faces, so quickly we made our way back home. Still, it was nice to get out of the house for half an hour (although it was even nicer to get back home).Once snuggled back in our crib (wow.. crib.. how cool is that for a middle aged grumpy.. ha ha) the missus sat in front of the TV laughing at the loveable Carol McGiffin on Loose Women...

Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again..Well actually I didn't... Last night I dreamt I was walking along the beach with our ex-neighbour's dog. The dream was nice but my sleep pattern is becoming screwed up again.I've been troubled with back pain over the past week and that's kept me awake at times. But although that's much better now I'm still not doing my good old recent 2am-9am. Yesterday evening I felt a bit lethargic and went to bed at 7pm. Apparently I was snoring at 2 minutes past and slept until 10pm. I then slept another 8 hours overnight. Eleven hours is too much sleep for me. Why am I mentioning this? Sleep is generally an objective indicator of how I am. I sense a change coming. My thoughts are more muddied, my memory even worse than usual. I feel kinda befuddled, my...

Well done to Juice on doubling his bankroll ( hehe) by correctly answering my football quiz question.The $10 has been sent!If it's always easier to write about bad nights at the tables then this may be a long post!On Monday night I lost about $100 after yet another terrible streak where I couldn't seem to win a hand that went to showdown.I don't use the chatbox in non blogger games but found myself twice answering "np" ( no problem) when other players apologised to me for their suckouts.I was playing more $12,180 player turbos and my only placing from about 10 games was when I bubbled the final table after my AJ shove was called by the shortstacks A6 which hit a 6 by the river.Last night I watched our rivals crash out of European competition and then hit the tables.My bad streak continued...

The ex ended up staying at her Dads last night ( I even offered to go over and sleep on her couch for a couple of nights to help her feel more settled) and I was able to pick my lad ( Nacho) up after I'd visited my old folks.I played a wee $6 turbo with my Mum and helped her run 88 into Aces!I took Nacho for a good run and then came home and surfed the net for a while before playing two $16 turbo's and coming 3rd in both.I made $72 profit, but I'm trying to tell myself I only won $4 because that is my average profit per game.The idea is that even if I lose 4-5 games I should still condition myself to believe I won $2 each time.Hopefully this will help keep me on an even keel rather than going to bed cheesed off at going 0/5 ( for example) without cashing or feeling too happy with a $72...

I did my first ever weekday overtime at work last night.As I may have mentioned I'm not that fond of my day job, but I'm quite lucky that for what I do I get paid reasonably well and there's usually plenty of overtime available.In some ways I think I'm daft for staying up so late at weekends playing poker, when I could make a lot more by getting a decent sleep and going into work for a few hours.They say money won is twice as sweet as money earned though and I reckon that's true.My employer also provided a meal which meant when I arrived home about 7.30 ish I could get straight into watching a cardrunners vid.I watched a LAG ( Loose aggressive) player run over a couple of tables and eventually hit the $50nl 6 max tables at Bet 365.I was trying to keep my preflop aggression up and keep...

I'm not sure whether it's just that I was feeling incredibly tired last night or if it was the aircon in my office but my eyes were so dry last night even the Pokerstars river couldn't get my tear ducts going.( hard as it tried!)My eyes were as dry as my posts over the last few days.To be honest I've not been feeling anywhere near my best recently and I reckon it shows here.Maybe I just need a really good nights sleep because at the moment my poker/blogging enthusiasm seems to vary between an almost manic state where topics and ideas just seem to flow, and a being in a state of complete inertia where I feel like I'm churning out the same old rubbish day after day.Mrs A has come off the happy pills just over a year after her Mum died and is walking around like a bear with a sore head,...

“Jackie is just speedin' awayThought she was James Dean for a dayThen I guess she had to crashValium would've helped that bash”(Reed)I don’t know if it’s in spite of, or because of the Depakote but I slept a good 4-5 hours on Saturday night. I also fell asleep on the couch yesterday afternoon and slept for over an hour! I am now beginning to obsess on crashing, it fills my thoughts. Just when things were starting to lighten up and spark off, it may all be going pear shaped now. The very fact that I’m thinking about negative stuff is a bad sign itself. But my head is still full of music and I seem to write a new song every time I draw breath, my little dictaphone is full. Why am I wasting the good times worrying about what’s to come? (….sounds like a line from another...

Still not sleeping much. Woke around 3am this morning but managed to lie in bed quietly dozing until 5am.Mrs Mo still in good form and actively looking for another job.My written work is starting to come together, I had a really good day yesterday, focussed well and now have about 75% complete.I am making a conscious effort to try and remove myself from internet circles as they presently take up loads of time and keep me out of the real world.I decided to spend some money before it all runs out and ordered a 50s stratocaster last night.Maybe it'll get me back in to playing again.I'm now posting lyrics on another page instead of posting them...

My father in law got through his op OK and got home on Friday. Unfortunately he was rushed back into hospital at the weekend but returned home in good form again today. All seems well now.Mrs Mo is much, much better, back to her annoying, controlling, effervescent self again. She saw Dr Portillo this morning and has been declared fit for further abuse by her employers. Later she spoke to her boss and as she has a few days holiday left to take before April, it was agreed she could take them now and return to work next week. So we're going to spend a couple of days at my brother's later this week (a fortnight in the Maldives would probably have been ideal but two days in Glasgow will provide adequate respite for us working class heroes).On the downside... I stayed up once again on Friday...

I slept on in to the afternoon today. Not one of those lovely long refreshing sleeps where you wake up rejuvenated and ready to go. One of those "my whole body is slowing down" sleeps where you wake up after 15 hours and feel like you've just got into bed. Hopefully it's just a combination of the miserable weather and the fact that I haven't been over the threshold this week. I think I'll go and switch on the lights on the Christmas tree... maybe their magical radiation will enliven me... I'll just check first that they weren't made in Russia, don't want to get the wrong kind of radiation..."Oh no! It looks like they are polonium...